He Knew
by lovingcaptainswan
Summary: "He knew, Emma," she repeated, this time daring to place a hand on her daughter's shoulder. "But what if he didn't?" She couldn't remember ever sounding so desperate and alone, but she couldn't bring herself to care anymore. "He knew." - Hook dies in Neverland before Emma ever got the chance to tell him how she felt about him. Captain Swan oneshot written as a prompt.


_**A/n: Written as a prompt for an anonn "one of them dies tragically and the other must find a way to live without them". Warning: Obviously, character death. I hope you masochists enjoy it anyway! ;)**_

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Emma bit her lip until she tasted blood and even then she didn't stop the steady pressure down on the sensitive bits of flesh. She couldn't feel it anyway. She felt numb. She watched as his body - covered by only his thick blanket that had been on his bed – teetered on the edge of the Jolly Roger, held still by the hands of Charming and Gold as her father looked back into her eyes for a moment, silently asking her permission.

It hurt.

Who had Hook been to her that her parents kept looking at her with such empathy? The thought sent guilt squirming deep into her gut for continuing to deny that they had had something between them. She felt like she was going to be sick - another thought that sent a shiver through her body that threatened to make her knees buckle when she imagined how amused he would have been to see her finally throw up after managing to hide any seasickness from the haughty captain.

Her father continued to hold her gaze and she refused to move, to change her expression, to give indication that any of this was alright.

This wasn't alright. _She wasn't alright._

He had helped them, he had come back, and now he'd left her again.

It wasn't fair. He hadn't deserved this.

She felt herself gasp and clench her fist without permission when Charming finally nodded to the other man and they released the body. She felt a part of herself falling into the ocean with him as he disappeared over the edge.

"It's what he would have wanted, Emma."

She jerked in surprise at the tender voice that pulled her out of her grief. "What?"

"He'd want to be buried at sea. It was his home. It wouldn't have been right to bring him back to Storybrooke."

"He'd want to not be _dead_."

Her mother flinched at the harshness in her voice and if she wasn't so numbed, Emma would have felt guilty. She _wished_ she could feel guilty. Anything to stop this strange feeling of emptiness that she had long associated with sitting alone in a jail cell, waiting for someone to return to her that never would.

_"Come on, Swan, admit it." _

_"Admit what exactly?"_

_"After all this time…all these months in Neverland…" he paused for effect, a smug smirk pasted across his handsome, scruffy face while his blue eyes sparkled with that familiar mischief that lit them up in their quiet moments together. "…you care about me, love." _

_Emma's fists balled at her side at the audacity of this infuriating pirate - mainly his audacity to be right, but he didn't need to know that. "I don't care about you, Hook, I just don't want you to die. We need you if we're going to save Henry." _

_"Of course that's all it is, love. That's why those pretty eyes held utter terror just a moment ago. Why you nearly beat my bloody arm off when you realized that I was fine."_

_"I wasn't worried, I was pissed! You treat us like kids because of Neverland and all of its danger, and you're the one that trips the fucking tripwire that releases poison fucking darts at your head!" _

_"I dodged them in time," he countered playfully, as if failing to see the direness of the situation. "Though I do appreciate the concern, darling." _

_Emma rolled her eyes and tried to shake off the anxiety that continued to hang onto her like a heavy weight on her back after the heart-stopping incident. If she lost him now after everything that had happened … she didn't know what, but she didn't want to have to find out. _

_"Just watch where you're going and try not to do anything else stupid, Hook." _

_He raised his eyebrows and struggled against the grin that was tugging at the corners of his lips. "As you wish, m'lady." _

Hot tears spilled down her cheeks and once they started, the dam had broken, and she couldn't stop. Harsh sobs wracked her body within seconds of the first tear slipping down her cheek and her body felt weak, as if every muscle had simultaneously decided to give up – just like _his _had. Her stomach twisted and she honestly thought that she would be sick this time if she didn't stop thinking about his agonizingly still body, or how pale and cold he had gone as the life slowly left him.

Her arms wrapped around her knees and she rocked back and forth on her heels, her face buried into the crook of her elbow. She didn't know how long she sat there in his cabin crying, but by the time she stopped, her throat was raw and she had to cough before she could gather her next heaving breath that she forced into her lungs. Her eyes burned – her _pretty_ eyes that he had playfully commented on so often – and her heart hurt when she realized that this room even _smelled_ like him.

She couldn't stay in there anymore. She had to be there for her son.

But even as she lay in her cot with him, stroking his hair and telling him that they would be home soon, her thoughts were still with Hook.

"So… was he a good-guy?"

"Who?" She knew who, but it would have hurt too badly to say his name.

"Captain Hook. I always thought he was a villain."

She let out a shaky sigh and her hand slowed in his soft, brown hair. "Sometimes people do bad things, Henry… but it doesn't mean they're bad people. Anyone can change. Besides… we wouldn't have found you without him."

The boy pursed his lips and mulled over this new piece of information. "I wish I could tell him thanks."

"Me too, Henry."

It didn't matter that she had already told him. It would never feel like it had been enough.

_"I just think I deserve at least that," he winked at her, his fingers playfully inching towards hers that rest against the coverlet that was draped over his body. His face was pale with pain, but his expression held the same amusement that it always did when he teased her. _

_She moved her hand away from his slowly, though the action was taken out of hesitance rather than with annoyance. "Are you serious?" _

_"Your boy is sleeping sound as a babe, safe as can be in the next room over with his family watching over his every breath. I took a sword to the side that nearly spilled my innards across the Neverland soil and though the Queen's magic has kept me alive, it's done nothing for the pain. Take mercy, Lass."_

_"You don't need... that, you need drugs."_

_"Seeing as we have none, I would argue that I at least deserve a kiss, love. Call it a thank you." He smiled at her brightly, but it turned into more of a grimace and Emma watched his hand jerk sharply away from her and to his side, his jaw stiffening as he ground his teeth together to keep from whimpering at every uncomfortable rock of the ship. _

_Emma's expression sobered and she shook her head slowly, fighting back the slight burn of tears at the back of her eyes when she thought back on the months it had taken to rescue her son. Reluctantly, she placed her hand as gently as possible over his, slowly drawing it away from the spot on the blanket above his wound and back to the edge of the bed. "I can't thank you enough, Hook… for everything you've done for us."_

_Both the pain and the teasing in his eyes softened and his body relaxed when she touched him. "There's no need to thank me, Emma. I've had many debts to repay in my life. This was merely one of them."_

_"It wasn't just that and we both know it, Hook. Without you, we never would have even had a chance of looking for him…" She trailed off, staring blankly into space for a moment before she became vaguely aware of the curve of his lips and life returning to his dimmed, stormy eyes. Gathering herself and building her walls back up best she could, she straightened her shoulders and glanced back at him pointedly, her tone losing its softness. "But I'm still not kissing you."_

_"Can't shame me for trying, love."_

The irony was that she had actually believed that they were all going to be okay.

After surviving countless terrifying moments in their search, they finally had Henry and everyone was safe. They were mere days away from being back in Storybrooke when the poison began to take hold of him. All other poisons he had mentioned to them would take effect immediately, none of them had seen the slow acting poison working its way into his system, gradually weakening him over a few days until it was too late for even someone with Gold's power to fix him – though she suspected that he hadn't been keen on the idea of weakening himself to save the pirate's life regardless. Especially not now that his grandson was safely in tow.

But he had been _fine_.

He had been cracking jokes and sipping at his rum to dull the pain resonating in his side, and she thought that had been the reason for his shaky hands and continuously paling face, the man too stubborn to tell anyone that what was he was feeling was more than just pain.

He had passed while she was with Henry, telling him stories about how they had all trekked through the jungles endlessly searching for him, running into man eating plants and spiders the size of German Shepherds. She had jumped up from the cot when she heard her mother's sharp cry, but she had made it to his quarters just in time to see his convulsing body still for the final time.

Later that night, her mother had told her that his final word had been 'Emma', whispering for her as he shook, his hand grasping at hers frantically as if he thought that Snow was her daughter.

She wished she had never known.

When they arrived back in Storybrooke, she threw herself into caring for Henry, but the first full weekend that he had stayed with Regina, she had broken out her favorite whiskey and drank herself into oblivion before the clock struck five. She had woken to her mother shaking her awake, her head pounding and her stomach turning. After that night she had sworn off the stuff, knowing that it would only make the depression that was eating at her worse.

She didn't want to think about why he never left her mind. She knew why. _He'd come back._ The three words were constantly in her thoughts. _He'd stayed._ He'd helped her find her son. He'd meant more than any man had meant to her in years.

It killed her that she had been too proud to tell him and now he'd never know.

_"Come on, love, you don't care even the tiniest bit?" This time he had caught her eying him worriedly as he fussed with the bandage on his hooked arm. He had been grazed by a Lost One's arrow during their last skirmish, and though he had insisted that it was naught but a scratch, she couldn't help the small tug of worry at the patch of red forming on the dressing._

_"I'm not answering that, Hook." _

_"Aye, but I think you just did," he smirked, halting his fussing with the rags and leaning against the helm. _

_"Don't you have a ship to steer?"_

_"I'll wear you down one day, Lass."_

_"Yeah? We'll see," she replied, but smiled, hoping that one day he did. Every day that he was with her, she could feel another wall being stripped down, and past the initial pain, it was starting to feel good to be more open around the cheeky pirate. _

_"I love a challenge." _

That night she sat out on the dock where the Jolly Roger sat, empty and captain-less, having a sick urge to walk the main deck one more time.

"He knew, you know." Mary Margaret's voice startled her, but she did little but glance back.

"I'm not in the mood to talk right now, Mom," she said gently, not wanting to hurt the woman, but unable to handle the sweet, all-too-knowing words that were already threatening to make her cry again.

"It's ok, Emma. I just wanted to make sure you're okay."

Emma nodded stiffly. "I will be. I'm just…"

"Saying goodbye?"

Emma swallowed hard and nodded again. "Yeah," she sighed out. "It's just hard when you leave so many things unsaid, you know?"

"He knew, Emma," she repeated, this time daring to place a hand on her daughter's shoulder.

"But what if he didn't?" She couldn't remember ever sounding so desperate and alone, but she couldn't bring herself to care anymore.

"He knew," Snow replied, this time with more confidence. "…come on, Emma. Let's go home."

Emma shook her head. "Just give me a few minutes. I just need a few more minutes alone, ok?"

Her mother nodded and told her that she'd see her at home. As soon as she had heard the quiet purr of the motor of Mary Margaret's car pulling out of the dock parking lot, she stood, staring out at the ocean, crossing her arms over her chest.

"I guess this is it, huh? Time to let go?" She paused for a long time, struggling to gather her thoughts, but not finding anything coherent, so instead she just spoke without thinking. "You were right you know. You were always right. You always made me say things and feel things that my head was screaming not to, and you'd just smirk like you were so fucking pleased with yourself," she choked on a quiet laugh, tears brimming in danger of spilling over. "I didn't want to accept that it could happen again. That I would_ let_ it happen again. Not with a pirate. Not with Captain freaking Hook… I'm sorry. I'm sorry I didn't give you that stupid kiss you asked for." She let out another cold laugh, basking in the quiet of the night for a minute before continuing. "…Thank you for everything."

Now he knew.

She nodded to herself and bit her lip as she took a deep breath and turned away from the view of the ship and the sea.

"Goodbye, Killian."

Now she could move on.

**The End**

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**Review? Pleeeeaase?**


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